The Best Friend Who Never Actually Left - Anxiety

Haven't we all had "best friends" who promised to never leave? Well, most of mine have taken different distant paths in life. But, there has been one friend who always stuck around and made it a point to never let go of my shivering hand. It has been with me through all stages of life, from A to Y- anxiety. 

The reason I call this best friend "it", is because it never had a certain name. In preschool , my parents called it 'crying over useless things', in primary school, it was called 'tension', in middle school, I termed it 'stress', in high school, we decided to name it as 'a state of being burnt out'. 

To name a child, you go through astrology, the best letters, unique pronunciations, and whatnot. To name my best friend, I went through a series of useless tears, panic attacks, heart palpitations, compulsive thoughts, online mental health tests, memory fogs, hypersensitivity, and self-inflicted harm, and after a questionable self-diagnosis, I guiltily called it anxiety. 

The reason I say I'm guilty is because I haven't yet undergone a diagnosis by a medical professional, and hence, I don't want to disregard those who are under professional treatment. So, for a long time, I brushed off my panic attacks and breathlessness as being dramatic. 

But, when it got to the point where the scars on my back symbolized the times of "stress" because the only way to validate the mess in my head is to leave a mess on my body, when it got to the point of pulling my hair and not being able to stop, when the insides of my cheeks constantly hurt- not from laughing too hard but from biting them too much, when shivering hands were not only common in winters and when ringing ears became an everyday thing, I realized that this could be slightly more than mere stress. 

Now, I don't know what to call it, because it happens without a reason, without a schedule, among people and in the comfort of my own home as well. So, I call it my best friend, because best friends know your darkest secrets and don't ever leave, right? 

:)) - RNS.